Without a doubt, human beings become aware of the concept of ‘death’ fairly early in childhood – unless adult family members choose to shield them from what they feel is a harsh reality. Still, kids are curious, and usually find dead things fascinating. They may be ill-equipped to understand death’s implications, but they learn what it looks like while still fairly young. It could be a dead bird lying in the front yard, killed when hitting a window; or the body of a neighbor’s dog or cat, killed when attempting to cross the street.

Knowing about the existence of death, we continue through our day-to-day lives. We may not be comfortable with death, but we get pretty darned good at ignoring its constant presence. Then, one earthshaking day, you’re forced to look directly at it. Often, it’s due to a terminal medical diagnosis of a loved one. Nothing is ever the same after that moment; and death becomes a silent companion during the long days and nights of caregiving. And its presence can affect you in unexpected ways, often leading to something called “Caregiver Burnout”. Let’s talk about that; and how you can develop self-care practices to help get you through the stress and fatigue that often accompanies caregiving.

As in anything labeled a “practice,” such as meditation or yoga, you must be consistent in your self-care practices. In an ideal world, it would be a daily routine; unfortunately, caregiving can become far from routine or predictable. It’s at this time, of course, your well-being truly depends on such a self-care practice most. With that said…let’s move on.

Self-Care Advice for Caregivers

What Does “Self-Care” Really Mean?

What is self-care? Often the phrase is misunderstood; taken to mean self-indulgence (spa days, that sort of thing). If asked, Google will tell you self-care is a habit “of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health and protect one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” While a spa day may be one of the actions taken, self-care for caregivers is more about protecting one’s well-being by taking the following actions and becoming a student again. Learn everything you can about your loved one’s condition. Ask the physicians involved what changes to expect in the months ahead. This is a time when ‘the more you know, the better off you are.’

Also, take some time to examine your feelings about death and dying. Our culture doesn’t put much attention on either; and now that you’re caregiver for someone who is very ill, death can loom in the not-too-distant future. To some degree, get comfortable with it.

6 Self-Care Tips for Caregivers

Below you’ll find several tips to help prevent things like fatigue, stress and “Caregiver Burnout”.

1. Use all the resources available to you. That includes family, friends, neighbors; your church congregation, and local agencies. This is a critical feature of a self-care practice for caregivers; don’t ‘go it alone.’ Check with the National Caregivers Alliance , the American Society on Aging, and Rosalyn Carter’s Institute for Caregiving for insight into what’s available. Contact your local agency on aging; and don’t forget to bring in your local hospice organization when it’s appropriate.
2. See your doctor regularly. I’ll be the first to tell you; it doesn’t take long to be weary of doctor visits. As a caregiver it’s all too easy to ignore your health – who wants another doctor’s appointment on an already overcrowded calendar? Do it anyway. And don’t forget to eat the right foods, curb your intake of alcohol, and (while you’re at it) develop an exercise routine.
3. Carve out quiet time. Whenever you can, relax in your favorite way. I listen to audiobooks and garden when the weather’s nice enough. Remember what it is that nourishes your spirit and regularly make time to do it.
4. Spend time with friends. This may sound like the previous action step (‘relax’). But it’s not. Friends bring something special to our lives. “A friend is what the heart needs all the time,” said American poet, Henry Van Dyke; and certainly he’s right. Now; I present the sixth and final aspect of a self-care practice for caregivers –and I saved the best for last.
5. Learn to forgive yourself. When I say this is the ‘best’ of the six action steps, I mean it’s the most far-reaching. It’s also the hardest step of the six; in truth, learning to forgive yourself can take a lifetime. It’s so worth the effort – and there are hundreds of online articles to guide you. It also may help you to join a support group or to see a counselor. Seeing yourself mirrored in the eyes of others who truly understand what you’re going through can teach you some valuable lessons about who you really are. (We’re pretty hard on ourselves, you know.)
6. Cry. Because some folks don’t like to cry – or should I say they don’t feel the need to cry very often; it’s hard to recommend they incorporate regular crying sessions into their self-care routine. But I’ll tell you, it’s a true tension reliever!

Why is Self-Care is Important for Caregivers?

I learned this lesson the hard way. As the old song says, I can see clearly now; but at the time I was blind to what was happening to me over the two and a half years of his illness. By the time he died, I was a physical and emotional wreck. And it took a good year and a half to get myself back on track. (Read: “Anticipatory Grief: One Woman’s Story” for more.)

In the back of my mind I hear my mom, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” My heart-felt advice to you is to follow her admonition – don’t neglect your well-being; without it, you can’t do the task you’ve taken on (at least not very well).

QUOTE FOR THE DAY:
“When you’re stuck sitting in a comfort zone, small problems become magnified. Get out of your comfort zone, touch the edge, and you come back with an appreciation for life.” – Barbara Warren, 1943-2008

Barbara Warren was filler in my local newspaper, I found a wire service blurb about this senior athlete tucked away and was so impressed by her story that I wanted more information. She’d led such an inspirational life and I was just starting to meet several seniors who were fascinatingly fit at my part time job at the gym.

There were a few of them, regulars. And for three years I’d see these silver foxes come every day. A few women, mostly men. Don’t be fooled by the gray hair or wrinkles, these people could kick your ass at boot camp or in the pool.

Which brings me to Don. Champion bridge player, lover of ladies and poodles, fisherman and hunter. He was the oldest guy I knew who’d met his wife on the internet. Don was fit and certainly did not look or act his 70 plus years. So, when he started having long drawn out nosebleeds last October he got it checked out before he left for to winter over in Florida. For the last year he’s been getting experimental treatments for a form of leukemia. Last week I saw him at the gym and thought he looked rather gray.  On Monday of this week, Don’s wife emailed me to say that Don had passed away. The subject line said: “please forgive me for this email – it’s so impersonal”.

But I didn’t feel that. The message was brief:

Don passed away this morning in his sleep
there will be a memorial for him at our home this Saturday at noon.

Don’s wife wasn’t on Facebook, but kept everyone in her address book updated on his condition, so I was glad to know what his status was. Although I only knew him for three years, Don was my friend, and felt like a grandfather to me, although it would have been offended his ego to be considered so paternally.

The strength of this small demo I encountered almost tricked me into thinking that you could live forever. I was kind of surprised when he died and had to remind myself that he was almost 80. Time ran out.

Another email followed to invite friends and loved ones over to the house at noon, bring a lawn chair, meats provided by the Bridge Club. I have some great memories to share.

The whole reason I forced myself on Anne of Shifting Gears was a post she wrote about her girlfriends.  The day I read it I knew I had to reconnect with a childhood friend that over the last few years, frankly, I’ve neglected. Five years after starting my own business I realize that in building it, I’ve let my friendships fade. She reminded me the importance of nurturing this part of  life.

In our conversation, she also mentioned that her parents had been cremated and simple wood urns were the natural choice for both parents. They didn’t want their kids to spend a lot on a funeral and didn’t want to be buried.  What to do with the urns? One of Anne’s daughters suggested that since they both loved to read, why not use each urn as a bookend until a final resting place could be determined? So, Anne’s parents reside on the bookshelf in her home for now.

Polaroid image courtesy of: Square America

“The white deer is a mutation. It does not belong in the wild. It should be shot.” Günter Giese, the president of the Saxony Hunting Federation, Germany.

There’s a whole lot of killin’ goin on around here. It’s deer season and this past week I’ve heard several tales of the mighty hunters bagging 10 pointers.

Several weeks ago I asked an experienced hunter if he’d ever seen an albino deer. He had. In Northern Michigan years ago. The reason for my question was an excerpt I’d read from Vance Randolph’s account of albino deer in this area.

It is very generally believed that the appearance of an albino deer is a bad sign; some hillfolk think it has something to do with witches’ work, others that it is an indication of disease among the deer, and that venison will be unwholesome for seven years. In 1939 a white deer was seen in Taney county, Missouri, and many natives were pretty much upset about it.

It was said that if early settlers saw a white buck in the woods, nobody would shoot it for fear of bad luck.

Last weekend, one of the fearless citizens here heard about an albino deer sighting nearby and started stalking his prey. He found it in some thick woods, and shot it from about 125 feet away. He plans to have it stuffed, “marveling at the rarity.”

He’s in his 90’s now, but to baby boomers and their parents, the name Jack LaLanne is synonymous with health, vitality and fitness.

LaLanne used to regale his audience with his one-armed push-ups done on fingertips. He showed them how to turn their recliners into mini-gyms by pumping imaginary bicycles and doing other chair exercises.

In the 1930s, he even began advocating weight training. To go beyond the usual barbells — and to keep his gym clients from getting bored — he worked with a blacksmith to develop leg-extension equipment and one of the first adjustable weight machines that are standard equipment in today’s gyms.

He rises at 6 or 7 a.m. and heads for a two-hour workout. His wife of over 50 years, Elaine takes a more laid-back approach. “He rolls out of bed and I roll over,” she quips, preferring to work out in the pool later in the day.

He eats two meals a day, but notes that this regimen isn’t for everyone. “You’ve got to figure out what works for your schedule,” he says.

Breakfast is at 11 a.m. He eats four to five pieces of fruit and gets protein from cooked egg whites. “Once in a while I eat a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with avocado and tomato,” he says.

“Every restaurant near us now has a Jack LaLanne salad,” he says. “It’s at least 10 raw vegetables chopped, and very little lettuce.” He brings his own sesame oil salad dressing and sometimes adds more hard-boiled egg whites for additional protein. He also eats fish, especially salmon, which is rich in healthy omega-3 fatty acids.

And, of course, there’s a little wine, a tribute to his Franco-American heritage. “Ever see a Frenchman who doesn’t drink?” he asks. He sips a glass that’s a mix of White Zinfandel and red wine — because, as he says, “one’s too sweet and one’s too sour.”

Sally Squires, Washington, Post

Spotted at the gym:

In order to offset the grim business of death and dying, I like to mix it up a couple of days with fitness in the morning, funeral in the afternoon. The fitness police job starts very early, and there’s a narrow window where there’s no trained medical personnel on staff*. Usually, on those days I’m operating on 3-4 hours of sleep, and I’ve had a premonition that with this early bird crowd, the “Door Rattlers”, that one of my silver foxes would over exert themselves.

Today it happened a little after 6 AM. One of the regulars strolled in half asleep and starting gettin’ sweaty on the stepmill. I saw him fall backward and heard his head thud. Luckily, we had a doctor in the house who also happened to be working out and took control.

The doctor revived him, our patient walked out on his own two feets and admitted he was straight out of bed, no food, no liquids. No good.

Today’s Fitness Tip: Avoid consuming cabbage and fried food before strenuous exercise.

*I am CPR certified and can shock your heart as well as fire a taser.

Meet Mr. Owen Hilton.

WWII Military Vet.

Purple Heart.

84.

Works out everyday Monday-Friday. He usually starts shooting baskets about 5:30 in the am.

Takes NO medication, except for: A Baby Aspirin Daily.

Nothing else.

Mr. Hilton is the only 84 year old gent that I know that doesn’t’ take a zillion pills.
He’s a fine Physical Specimen and a nice guy too.

Friday’s yoga session made me think about my lungs. How lucky and grateful I am for my functional set. So why do I knowingly abuse them? Sickening.

If something were to happen to me, would they be of any value? I’ve instructed Mr. Greenjeans that in the event of my demise, to make sure that the body is stripped of anything worthwhile and donated.

We’ve talked about organ donation before and the contacts with families who when faced with tragedy, made the unselfish decision to save the lives of others with the beautiful gift of a set of lungs, or tissue, heart or kidneys. One widow told me that her husband’s donation helped 59 people. FIFTY-NINE!

• Donors ages have ranged from newborn to 65 plus.
• Recent studies have shown that over 95,000 patients in the USA are waiting for an organ transplant.
• Nearly 4,000 new patients are added to the waiting list each month.

Organdonor.gov

Today’s Tip for better living: Open your heart.

Over the holidays we caught up with friends and acquaintances who are dealing with aging parents. What to do? Some of the stories we’ve heard:

It’s scary riding in the car with them.

They are malnourished because they only eat pie.

The Dad who made a new “friend” who charges him $1500 to replace the battery in the car. This particular gentleman never had a credit card, and suddenly he’s racked up a $10,000 bill, not once but a couple of times with the help of his “friend”. His son is now managing his finances.

In his father’s defense, Dad was a workaholic, working was his hobby and he always had at least two jobs. After a forced retirement, widowed and recently fired from his part-time job for falling asleep on the phone with customers, he’s displaced and doesn’t know what to do with himself. Can’t access his cash without his son’s permission and no wheels.

He’s kind of pissed.

What to do with Dad?

He’s lost his license and continues to drive. Never mind that it’s like Mr. Magoo, driving around oblivious to the pileups in their wake. Can’t see OR turn their head, cuz their neck is locked up.

Recently widowed for the third time, Barbara decided she was going to meet a man. She doesn’t waste time, and traditionally marries within six months of losing her husbands. Sister works it and has been hitting the square dances and makes it clear that she doesn’t want to be alone. One of her sons who lives nearby, noticed hand lettered signs posted along the roadway advertising that his mother was seeking companionship. He ripped them down.

It’s comical and sad, and a real challenge mentally and financially for the Boomers that are still working full-time, raising kids or grandkids and caring for their parents. A good nursing home around here is $5000 a month.

What’s the answer?

UPDATE: Barbara was found in her home earlier this week unconscious and is in ICU. She’s been a bit of a medical mystery as she has no health history, and has not been to the doctor in 47 years……since the birth of her last child. She is in a coma.